The script for the birds. (The Birds, adapted from A.)
DRAFT DRAFT DRAFT DRAFT DRAFT DRAFT DRAFT 4/18/08
THE BIRDS by Aristophanes
Ancient Greek comedy adapted and updated for 2008 by Jo H. Lewis and others
Based on the translation by Ian Johnston (available for use)
Plot: The birds take over the world!
Historical background: The Birds won second prize in 414 BC. It was performed with a cast of four and a chorus of 24! At that time Athens was fighting the Peloponnesian War--"powerful and confident . . . fully expecting to triumph" (Johnston).
Venue: Outdoor amphitheater
Scene: Center stage: A huge nest (non-practical) elevated on a rock wall that has an unseen entrance in it. Behind, a practical ladder so a bird can rise "out" of the nest. One practical rock to stand on.
A colorful "paradise" for birds is to one side with giant fruit, trees, etc.
The opposite side suggests a colorless urban environment: a dingy center city with trash.
Synopsis: After the JAY and the DUCK warm up the audience with a silly bird song, the play opens with recorded bird songs. We see the brightly colored, beautifully masked BIRDS coming to enjoy frolicing, resting and eating in their paradise.
As they disappear, con man PISH and his sidekick/servant HOPEFUL struggle to arrive at the nest where they're told (by bird hand puppets they carry) that the birds live. After a confrontation, they get Tereus' SECRETARY/servant (once a man) to bring out the master "bird" TEREUS. They talk Tereus (who was once a human king) into calling the birds together to take over the world.
Tereus' wife, Procne the NIGHTINGALE (also once human), calls the rest of the birds with her beautiful song (a flute?). But when the birds come, they start to attack Pish and Hopeful. Pish and Tereus calm them down. Pish persuades the birds that ruling is their rightful role (he says they once did rule). They make Pish their leader, call their kingdom "Cloudcuckooland" and build a wall
(not seen by audience) to keep everyone out.
One by one, Athenians want to get in! Birds mostly run off the Athenians. Birds even prevent the Olympic gods from smelling the daily sacrifices to the gods, so bringer-of-fire PROMETHEUS comes to warn them that a contingent from the gods--POSEIDON, HERCULES, and a BARBARIAN GOD--will come. Gods and Birds along with Pish negotiate. Birds don't give in.
In fact, Pish is given a divine PRINCESS to marry. In the Olympic gods pantheon, she's the one who keeps Zeus's closet (thunderbolts, etc.). She lookds like a sweet bride but then reveals herself as Wonder Woman whom Pish must be subordinate to--she ties his hands with her lasso and leads the abject Pish off.
Hopeful is sad for Pish, but the birds come and lead her to their paradise where she can rest at last and where the birds can once more frolic, eat, and rest.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
IMP=important character
F=female (some roles written for men will become women)
M=male
I. This group are Humans:
IMP M Pish Pisthetairos: persuasive (Pisthetairos means plausible) Athenian con man--busy busy, wanting to conquer to get the best for himself; says he wants to rest, but it's a con--he shows this by stripping off his civilian clothes and revealing a soldier's costume; Pish and Hopeful carry on humorous (we hope) dialog through much of the play
IMP F "Hopeful" (Euelpides, which means hopeful): not-so-very-smart, very energetic sidekick, kind of happy-go-lucky; really wants to rest, so her rhythm is go-go-stop until Pish shows his hand; will enact the servant duties, so no other human servants in our script; Pish and Hopeful carry on humorous (we hope) dialog through much of the play
The rest of the humans will be CAMEO appearances (only a few rehearsals) or they are played by other characters doubling. If cast is smaller, some may be cut:
Visitors from Athens (in order of appearance):
Note: No Priest or Statute Seller if you're checking out orig. Aristophanes
M (could be F) Poet
"starving artist"--Pish takes other people's clothes to give to poet
M or F Prophet (called the Oracle Monger) tries to con Pish into thinking he/she has prophetic knowledge of Cloudcuckooland
M (could be F) Land Developer (called Meton, a land surveyor)
2 M or 1M, 1F Politicians, the US presidential candidates (called Commissioner of Colonies) will use actual candidate masks: John McCain for sure, either Hillary or Obama. (Hope we'll know by June! If not we'll have both)
Fanatic Followers M or F accompany Politicians--improvised lines, get into slapstick fight with each other (two rehearsals?)
M or F Reporter-Sycophant--a muck-raking journalist
M Messenger from the World (called Second Herald)--this will be Hopeful (in her own character)
II. This group are Birds and Bird/Humans:
The Chorus is central to the play! They move like birds at least some of the time; they move separately and together; they speak together and in solos; they're in a lot of the action. They might sing together a little, but that's not critical. Depending on casting, some birds may double as other characters.
Except for Tereus and Procne, these characters can be played by M or F in a unisex costume
IMP M Tereus/Hoopoe: Bird/Human; indolent master of the birds; top=bird, costume="moulting" bird and human
IMP M or F (M preferred) Secretary Bird: was once a man; assertive servant to Tereus; also Chorus
IMP F Procne/Nightingale: Tereus's wife Bird/Human (preferably tall, thin bird with "body of a woman" and head of nightingale); also Chorus
IMP preferably F Ibis: Chorus--a leader of the Chorus elegant bird
IMP preferably F Peacock: Chorus--a leader of the Chorus beautiful vain bird
IMP Raven: Chorus--speaks up at times raucous-voiced bird (like a crow) that acts a little crazy playing his pan pipes; also has a cameo--Raven as Builder Bird--with a message that the wall is finished
IMP Blue Jay: improvisational cheerleader of the audience (i.e., leads them in silly bird songs) and Chorus raucous-voiced bird (like a jay)
IMP Mallard Duck: improvisational cheerleader of the audience (i.e., leads them in silly bird songs--we'll want to enhance his/her similarity to U of Oregon mascot) and Chorus
IMP Vulture: Chorus--speaks up at times
IMP Partridge: Chorus
IMP Brush Finch: Chorus tiny ditzy bird
IMP Glutton-Bird: Chorus very fat bird (fat suit) who waddles
IMP Bantam Rooster: Chorus--speaks up at times aggressive strutter who wears a biker jacket
IMP Firecrest Bird even tinier than Brush Finch
Images of the colorful real birds these characters are based on can be googled.
III. This group are from the Olympic gods:
They are funny, too. The gods will be CAMEO appearances or played by other characters doubling:
F Iris beautiful rainbow goddess; "flies" in, not cowed by Pish or Cloudcuckooland
M Prometheus the one who brought fire to humans, is still hiding from the Olympic gods and warning humans
M Poseidon the sea god
M Heracles Hercules, the strong man, greedy and not the brainiest (much much dumber than Hopeful)
M Barbarian god (not from Olympus) can't speak Greek right
F Super Princess comes from the gods, marries Pish--In the Olympic gods pantheon, she's the one who keeps Zeus's closet (thunderbolts, etc.); dressed like a sweet beautiful bride but then reveals herself as Wonder Woman whom Pish must be subordinate to--she sits on his chair and makes him kneel, ties his hands with her lasso and leads the abject Pish off when she signals they go to "heaven"--he has to sheepishly follow
THE SCRIPT
The JAY and the DUCK warm up the audience by teaching them "Let's All Sing Like the Birdies Sing"; when they know the song, it accompanies the brightly colored, beautifully masked BIRDS coming to their paradise. We hear recorded bird songs and the birds enjoy frolicing, resting and eating. As they disappear, enter PISH and HOPEFUL from behind the audience. Breathing heavily, they struggle
to make their way part way down the aisle. (Johnston translation: They "clamber down from the rocky heights towards the level stage.")
HOPEFUL is loaded down with iron pots and a big trash bag but still moves with great energy.
PISH
(speaking to the crow hand puppet he's carrying)
What? You say, keep going straight ahead? Over by that tree?
(peers as though nearsighted at "tree," an audience member)
HOPEFUL
(whipping around as though pulled back the other way by her jackdaw puppet; to PISH)
Blast this bird--it's croaking for us to head back, go home.
PISH
(following HOPEFUL weaving up and down the aisle)
Why are we wandering up and down like this?
You're such a dodo bird--this endless weaving will kill us both.
HOPEFUL
Me? We are idiots to keep hiking this trail, a hundred miles at least--just because this crow keeps saying, Go go go.
PISH
My toe nails are thrashed--because I'm following what this jackdaw says.
HOPEFUL
(looking around)
I have no idea where on earth we are.
PISH
You couldn't get us back to Athens?
HOPEFUL
No way--not even with my GPS.
PISH
Look where you got us. We're in a real mess.
HOPEFUL
Well, we could keep going along the trail.
(They explore different "paths" to opposite sides of the nest.)
JAY
(egging on crowd, pointing)
It's there! Over there! (Urging audience to join in) Go there! Go there!
(PISH and HOPEFUL never hear the crowd-rousing birds or the crowd unless they address them themselves)
HOPEFUL
(to audience)
We were conned by that Philokrates--
PISH
They don't know who Philokrates is.
HOPEFUL
--the crazy vendor in the marketplace who sells birds.
PISH
(to audience) He claimed these two would take us straight to Tereus the hoopoe, a man who years ago became a bird. That's why we paid an obol for this jackdaw, son of Hitchcock.
HOPEFUL
And three more for this crow--
HOPEFUL and PISH
son of Hitchcock.
PISH
And then what? They know nothing
HOPEFUL and PISH
except how to peck. Ow!
(HOPEFUL's jackdaw begins to get excited)
HOPEFUL
(to jackdaw)
In those rocks? You want to take us there? There's no way through.
PISH
(calling across the stage to HOPEFUL)
Same thing over here. No way.
HOPEFUL
What's your crow saying?
PISH
The caw's not the same.
HOPEFUL
(shouting)
But where's the trail? What's it saying?
DUCK
(egging on audience)
Quack! Go there! (Pointing, urging audience to join) Go there! Go there!
PISH
Keeps on croaking--
(Listening)
Something about biting my fingers off.
HOPEFUL
(to audience)
Don't you think it's odd the two of us, ready and eager to head off for the birds, just can't find the way? You see, we've got some disease, not like the one Sizemore suffers from--
PISH
no, the opposite--
HOPEFUL
all he wants is to serve himself, yet he says he'll serve us. But here we are, honored members of our tribe and clan,
PISH
I'm a citizen among you citizens,
HOPEFUL
and no one's trying to drive us out of Athens,
PISH
but we've winged our way out of our native land on our own two feet. We don't hate the city
HOPEFUL
(a cadence)
No no no no no
PISH
that's by nature great and prosperous--open to all--
HOPEFUL
well, not immigrants of course--
PISH
so they can spend all their money in Athens--you know.
HOPEFUL
Birds chirp in season a month or two, if there's ever any spring, but our Athenians keep chirping all their lives over taxes, foreclosures,
PISH
gas prices,
HOPEFUL
bad drivers,
PISH
muggers, meth, madness,
HOPEFUL
wars and rumors of wars. That's Athens--talk talk talk and go go go.
PISH
That's why we set off on this trip with all this stuff--bag,
(HOPEFUL sets down bag and takes out Hawaiian dress)
PISH
pots.
HOPEFUL
(lies down on elbow all at once, draping Hawaiian dress over her body)
We're looking for a nice relaxing spot where we can live out our lives.
PISH
We'd heading for Tereus, that hoopoe bird--we'd like to know if in all his flying around
HOPEFUL and PISH
he's seen a city like the one we want.
(HOPEFUL nearly falls asleep all at once)
PISH
Hey!
HOPEFUL
What?
PISH
My crow keeps cawing upwards--up there.
HOPEFUL
(reluctantly getting up, putting down dress)
My jackdaw's looking up there, too. It wants to show me something. Maybe Philokrates was right.
PISH
They don't know who Philokrates is.
HOPEFUL
(to audience)--the crazy vendor in the marketplace who sells birds.
(to PISH)
There must be birds around these rocks--
PISH
let's make noise and then we'll see for sure.
(kicks a stump near center stage)
HOPEFUL
What?
(kicks stump too)
PISH
Use your head, dodo bird.
(HOPEFUL knocks on stump with head. PISH pulls HOPEFUL up; HOPEFUL knocks on stump with her hand)
PISH
Pick up a rock and then go knock.
(points to the rock wall holding up the nest)
HOPEFUL
(tiredly picking up rock)
All right. Here I go.
(knocks loudly on the rock and calls out)
Hey. Hey!
PISH
Don't say "hey"--
(HOPEFUL slides down rock, leans tiredly against it)
PISH
--call out
(giving a bird call)
Hoopoe-ho!
HOPEFUL
(from leaning position, knocking on rock; bad imitation of PISH)
Hoopoe-ho!
(tired)
Should I knock again?
JAY
Knock again!
HOPEFUL
(doesn't hear JAY; nevertheless knocks dispiritedly)
Hoopoe-ho!
SECRETARY-BIRD
(inside)
Who is it? Who's shouting for my master?
(SECRETARY-BIRD emerges. His beak terrifies PISH and HOPEFUL, who fall back in fear, and the birds they have been carrying "disappear" into the set)
HOPEFUL
O Apollo, save us!
PISH
that gaping beak--
HOPEFUL
those claws--now we really have gone to the birds!
SECRETARY-BIRD
(also frightened)
Oh-oh, now I'm in for it. You're bird catchers!
HOPEFUL
(to PISH)
Don't act so weird!
PISH
(to HOPEFUL)
Say something nice!
SECRETARY-BIRD
(shaking, but still trying to scare them off)
You humans must die!
(shows claws)
PISH
But we aren't humans.
HOPEFUL
We aren't?
SECRETARY-BIRD
What? What are you, then?
PISH
I'm a duck--
DUCK
No you're not!
PISH
(ducking behind HOPEFUL and chattering very fast)
duck duck duck duck duck--
I'm ducking!
DUCK
Duh!
(DUCK and JAY exit behind the audience)
SECRETARY-BIRD
And this one here--
(HOPEFUL makes k-k-k stuttering noises)
What kind of bird is she?
(HOPEFUL makes ch-ch-ch, as in "chicken", stuttering noises)
SECRETARY-BIRD
Can you talk?
HOPEFUL
(blurting out)
I'm a chicken--chicken-hearted
(shakes)
see?
PISH
(to SECRETARY-BIRD)
God only knows what kind of animal you are!
SECRETARY-BIRD
I'm a secretary bird.
HOPEFUL
(walking all around the SECRETARY-BIRD)
Beaten up by some rooster in a cock fight?
SECRETARY-BIRD
No, it was my master--when he became a hoopoe, I prayed that I could turn into a bird. That way he'll still have me to serve him.
HOPEFUL
A bird needs a secretary?
SECRETARY-BIRD
He does--It's got something to do with the fact he was a king. So if he wants to taste some fish I put it on the list. Then I grab a plate and fly off to the Columbia for salmon--
HOPEFUL
No no no no no--save the salmon!
SECRETARY-BIRD
I fight off the sea lions for it.
HOPEFUL
No no no no no--
PISH and HOPEFUL
--save the salmon!
HOPEFUL
(mumbling)
Got--to--lie down.
(lies down all at once and is instantly sleep)
PISH
A runner-bird--that's what you are! Well, runner, I'd like for you to run call your master for us.
HOPEFUL
(in her sleep)
Run-run-meep-meep
(Roadrunner sound)
SECRETARY-BIRD
But he's asleep--for heaven's sake, his after-dinner snooze--he and his wife have just had gnats with marionberry sauce.
PISH
Wake him up anyway.
SECRETARY-BIRD
He'll be mad as a wet hen!
(PISH starts toward SECRETARY-BIRD)
SECRETARY-BIRD
But I'll do it, just for you.
PISH
(shakes HOPEFUL awake)
That bird--he scared me half to death.
HOPEFUL
(sitting up, looking at her hand)
He scared my bird off!
PISH
Dodo bird! You let that jackdaw go?
HOPEFUL
And you collapsed and let your crow escape?
PISH
It flew off on its own.
TEREUS
(from inside, speaking in grand style)
Throw open this door that I may issue forth.
(TEREUS appears, a hoopoe bird, torn and trailing some feathers, with a man's body. "He struts and speaks with a ridiculously affected confidence. HOPEFUL and PISH are greatly amused by his appearance")
HOPEFUL
Oh Hercules, what kind of beast is this?
(falls back in mock terror)
Oh oh oh oh oh.
PISH
Who are the persons here who seek me out?
HOPEFUL
The gods from Olympus have sure worked you over.
TEREUS
(preening: stroking the side of his head egotistically)
Does seeing my feathers make you scoff at me?
HOPEFUL
It's not you we're laughing at.
TEREUS
Then what is it?
PISH
What plumage! What a crownly crest!
HOPEFUL
And your beak--
(makes a crooked gesture and stifles a laugh)
TEREUS
That's how Sophocles distorts Tereus--that's me.
PISH
You're Tereus?
HOPEFUL
Are you a peacock or a bird?
TEREUS
I am a bird.
HOPEFUL
Then where are all your feathers?
TEREUS
They're falling off.
HOPEFUL
Some disease?
TEREUS
At moulting time--
HOPEFUL
In late summer?
TEREUS
(ignoring HOPEFUL)
all birds shed their feathers, then they grow new ones. But who are you?
HOPEFUL
We're human beings--
(behind her hand to PISH)
aren't we?
TEREUS
Where were you born?
HOPEFUL
In Seattl--in Athens--that makes the finest warplanes.
TEREUS
Ah, so you go go go! Run run run!
HOPEFUL
(tiredly)
That's what I said.
TEREUS
So why come here? What do you want from me?
PISH
To talk to you.
TEREUS
(suspicious)
What for?
PISH
Well, you were once human, like us. You owed people money, like us.
JAY and DUCK--OR HOPEFUL--direct the audience to join in.)
PISH
You loved to skip debts, like us. [Add another "like us" here]
Then you changed your nature, became a bird. You fly in circles over land and sea. You've learned whatever's known to birds AND men. That's why we've come to ask if you can tell us of some town--
HOPEFUL
(yawning during PISH's speech)
--where life is soft, comfy as a feather bed, where we can sleep--and sleep--and . . .
(falls asleep all at once in the middle of speaking, falls down in a heap)
TEREUS
(back to PISH)
Are you looking for a mighty city, more powerful than Babylon?
HOPEFUL
(The word "Babylon" jerks her awake; sits up)
No no no no no. Not one more powerful, no. What we want is one that suits us better. We want someone to wait on us.
TEREUS
You clearly want to be a diva.
HOPEFUL
But you--your Secretary Bird--
PISH
(hushes HOPEFUL)
You mean like Diana Ross? We detest that style [OR That's not our style].
TEREUS
All right then, what kind of city do you want to live in?
HOPEFUL
(up again, energetic as usual)
I'd like a city where my biggest problem would be something like this--in the morning--LATE morning--my friend Martha Stewart comes to my door and says to me
(yawning, answers "door")
In the name of Olympian Zeus, come to my place for this huge dinner I'm putting on. Don't disappoint me now. If you don't come, then of course I won't let you help me when I get in difficulties with the law.
TEREUS
By heaven, you poor woman, you do like trouble. What about you?
PISH
I'd like the same. [OR That's my view too.]
TEREUS
You want problems too, you unhappy man? There's a happy city by a big sound--Seattleopolis--that's just like the one you mention.
HOPEFUL
No no no no no. Not by the Sound. Somebody will show up on a ship and serve us a summons early in the morning.
PISH
What about Californius? Can you tell us some city there?
TEREUS
Why not go and settle down in Los Angelopolis?
HOPEFUL
In Persepolis? Cosmopolis?
PISH
By all the gods, I hate the place--although I've never seen it--it's all ----'s fault. [Arnold? Hollywood?]
TEREUS
You could go be a Nevahdan--they're in Nevahda.
HOPEFUL and PISH
(automatically) Nevada.
PISH
No way, not for all the gold in Vegas.
HOPEFUL
(warming up to the idea of gold; to PISH)
Really?
PISH
What's it like here, living with the birds?
TEREUS
It's not unpleasant. First of all, you have to live without wallets and credit cards.
PISH
So you got rid of the one great source of fraud in life.
TEREUS
In the gardens we enjoy hazlenuts, wine, mint, berries--fruit of all kinds.
HOPEFUL
So it's like a vacation in paradise!
PISH
(He knew already, but now's the time to pull the con)
That's it! I've got it!
(In silence, he strips to armor, grabs the trash bag from HOPEFUL, takes out helmet)
HOPEFUL
(still looking at bag) I wondered what else was in that bag.
(HOPEFUL sadly puts dress back in; PISH puts on helmet)
HOPEFUL
(looking at PISH, finally realizing what's up)
Oh NO! Here we go!
(No more sleeping!)
PISH
I see a great plan for this race of birds--
(begins to pace manically)
and power too, if you'll trust what I say.
TEREUS
What do you want to get us to do?
PISH
What will you be convinced to do? Well, first, don't just fly about helter skelter, your beaks open--that makes you despised. With us, we say of people who always flit about: (changes voice) "Who's
that birdie brain?" and then we agree, "Yeah, who's that--that Hilton girl again? No? Well, that one's just as flighty, never stays long in one place."
TEREUS
By Dionysus, that's a point--What should we do?
PISH
Settle down together in one city.
HOPEFUL
(standing there without even opening eyes; grumpily)
Like Athens.
TEREUS
What sort of city could we birds set up?
PISH
Why ask that? What a stupid thing to say! Look down.
TEREUS
All right.
PISH
Now look up.
TEREUS
I'm looking up.
PISH
Turn your head round to the side.
TEREUS
By Zeus, this'll do me good, if I twist off my neck.
PISH
Well?
(waits)
What do you see?
TEREUS
Clouds and sky.
PISH
Well, then, isn't this a staging area for birds?
TEREUS
A staging area?
HOPEFUL
(still not opening her eyes)
A place for playing.
PISH
There's lot of business here, but everything keeps moving through it, so it's now called a staging place. But if all of you settled here, fortified it, and fenced it off with walls--
HOPEFUL
(grumpily)
Like Athens.
PISH
it'd become your state. Then you'd rule all people as if they're locusts--and annihilate the gods with famine. [Mention a historical famine?]
TEREUS
How'd we manage that?
PISH
Look, between earth and heaven there's the air. Now, with us, when we want to cross a border we have to beg permission to pass through.
HOPEFUL
Bribes!
PISH
You should do the same. When people sacrifice, make the gods up on Mt. Olympus pay you. If not, you don't grant them rights of passage through here. You stop the smell of roasting meat moving
through your city--a space that doesn't belong to them.
TEREUS
Wow! Yippee!! By earth, snares, traps, nets, what a marvelous scheme! I've never heard a neater plan. So now, with your help, I'm going to found a city!
(small voice)
But the other birds have to agree.
HOPEFUL
(sitting up--she'll have work to do)
The other birds?
PISH
Who's going to lay this business out to them?
TEREUS
You. You can do it. I've taught them how to speak. Before I came, they could only twitter, but I've been with them here a long, long time.
PISH
How do you call them all together?
TEREUS
Easy. I'll wake my nightingale. Then we'll call. </